simple choices

I went to the gym last night! 30 minutes later and i was wipped out! I really want to get the body i want bad. For some reason i feel like when my body is the way i want it to be everything in my life will be perfect. I feel like ill make tons of money modeling and all my dreams will come true. We will see what happens.. I set a goal of playboy! Yea, a high goal but doesnt have to be the magazine just the website...Sometimes i wonder why i want to model. Is it because i feel like if im a model the world must accept me? I feel i wont be happy until im considered the "it" girl ...

On the right track! (well...today at least)

Today im doing great but I cant speak for tomorrow. Im getting my motivation back slowly. Another breaking point for me was when my husband said hes tired of me asking for help and telling him that I need him to stop me but when he trys i just say "its fine...". How sad is that!? We actually had a fight about food. A fight because of my addiction to food and how I let it control me. Its so stupid. I wish I hated it. I shouldnt let food make me happy!

A bit more

To let you know a bit more about me I have various medical issues. I was diganosed with fibromyalgia last year so getting into the gym is that much harder. Espcecially right now. I feel like I have the health of a 60 year old and often cant even open a water bottle because im too weak. Im scared of what the future will mean to me. Will i be in a wheel chair by 30?! The pain is intense...All I want is to feel normal.

Struggle

So, it all started when I was 14 years old and started packing on the pounds. It wasnt easy being the only fat one in the household as both of my parents were thin and athletic! I wasnt a couch potatoe, I played sports but I guess I loved food a little too much. I reached 188lbs and at 5'4 thats not good! Year after year I would imagine what I wanted to look like but never did anything about it until last year I dropped 30lbs! (well it would be 22 now since I put on 8lbs again) but im still searching for my happiness. I weigh 166 and people say im curvy but must I say it again? Im fat. I know what I have to do but for some reason im not motivated like I was last year. Can I get to my goal!? EVER!?

The Beginning.

Growing up I was a only child and had the world handed to me. Long story short, I moved out,moved to the city and got married. Isnt that what all 18 year olds do? I had always wanted to be famous somehow and then the opportunity to model came and I took it. One thing, IM FAT.People always say I look so confident in my pictures but little do they know that im full of insecurities,fighting a food addiction and not to mention a whole bunch of other issues but ill get to that later. In this blog I plan to speak about my long journey to my personal perfection. I hope to reach others that are struggling with the same issues I am.